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July 22, 2008 03:00PM
Lately, i have been in a writing mood...i use to be in a writing mood every other week or so...When things are going well I don't have as much to say...isn't that weird?
Good times do not make me think as much. I am not reflective when I have enough money and when the landscape of my life looks good. When "God is blessing me" I don't seem to need Him or have time to talk about the important things in life...Now when something does not go according to plan and "God is not involved!" I have lot's to whine about and complain about and PONDER!!
Funny eh?? The very one who set the stars in place, the one that created all that there is desires our whole person ALL the time, and I seem to only give it to Him when I feel like He has let me down!! You see, I have to let Him know how I feel and I need to help Him fix the situation...He needs me!!
Do I believe that He holds the future? Do I believe that He is control of my life? Do I believe that He is the giver of life? Do I believe that He wants the good, the bad, and the strange? Do I TRUST HIM!!!?????
I say the answer to all of those questions is YES, however by my very actions i suggest the answer is NO. Faith comes from God, fear does not come from God!! Running to Him only when it is bad or scary suggests that fear controls me more than this FAITH i speak of!!
I talk a good talk...I believe that God is asking me to do this...yada yada yada...Will i take a bullet for the cause of Christ!! Will I lay my life down so that the poor in this world will have a chance? Will I sell all I have and lay my life down and do what God is asking of me??? Will I really do some of the things that He is calling me to do???
I really feel that God is asking some things of me that I am not sure I can do!! Hold on...did I just say that?? If GOD is calling me...I don't think I can do it??? AM I CRAZY!!!!! God is doing some things in my heart, and in my mind that I am struggling with...where does this all go? What does this all mean??
The times that I have felt the closest to God is when He allowed it all to be taken from me...my job, my home, my security...It took that level of loss to get my attention. I do not want to get to that place again...I want to hear Him NOW!!! I want to act on His calling NOW!!
I recall the day HE called me to do music full-time..."I did not give you this dream to torment you, I gave it to you so you could fulfill it"
God has placed some pretty big dreams in my heart and I have to admit...good times and bad times, those dreams have never gone away.
I want to be in a writing mood all the time...I want to ponder and reflect all the time...I really think that God wants to continue to rejuvenate me and continue to keep me dreaming and every once in a while He needs to hit me upside the head with a 2x4 to get my attention!!
OK OK OK - I am listening!!!!
Wendy and I will take a few days to ponder...God, my prayer is for your will to be done, and wisdom in the process!!! You give me the spirit of FAITH not fear!!!
Am I praying that just for me...or do you get it as well!!
todays rambling!! I told you I was in a writing mood!!!!
Kevin
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July 21, 2008 10:34AM
Proverbs 14:4 says this...
Where no oxen are, the trough is clean; But much increase comes by the strength of an ox. (this will preach!!!)
I was reading through Proverbs today and this stuck out like a sore thumb...a clean trough!!??? Is that what I want? Do I want a trough that appears to have it all together when in essence there is nothing going on??
sometimes we think the life with no kids and no mess is better...a clean trough...and the ones without kids and a less confusing home think a messy trough sounds good!!! I don't think either is the answer...
Now I don't want to place judgment on the cleanliness of your trough...sometimes the trough is dirty because you decided to throw dirt in it and you are just plain angry and bitter and you have issues that can clog up a good trough in a hurry. So, I am not trying to say that if you are going through something that you are more spiritual or you are in a better place...just as I am not suggesting that a clean trough means you are more in tune with the Creator!!! but here is what I am trying to say...
I mentioned this before...I would rather fail in my attempt to please God, than be careful to keep my trough clean and never do anything!!!
Please hear me...I don't believe for 1 minute that God judges things good or bad, success or failure based on our criteria...I am in NO WAY suggesting that God is not in the hardships, and I am certainly not saying that HIS ways are just as i thought...HIS WAYS ARE just that..HIS!!! I guess my point in all of this is simple...I want a dirty trough!!!
I want a trough that looks like it has had a few miles on it!! I have learned nothing from any success I have had...my learning comes in the "failures", it is in the times when i question my faith, my motives. Growth comes when I have to look people square in the face and say "i blew it - I am so sorry!!" Growth comes when you have to look in the mirror and take stock in all the things that you have done that were not glorifying to GOD and make changes...
I want to break down the walls that get put up...I don't ever want to be thought of as a guy that appears to have it all together...i mean I CLEARLY don't...so if that "appearance" is there, than I am not conveying authenticity to people...I am being nontransparent. If I am going to allow myself the opportunity to be in front of people and "look good" then I have to be able to take that mask off and tell them what I am really like...to me the unmasked is far more authentic and far more meaningful than the mask that we all try to wear. What separates me from anyone else...MY TROUGH!!!
If I pretend to have a clean trough, and you pretend to have a clean trough...no one needs to learn, grow or support anyone...we don't even need God??!!!??!?!
OK - this can break off into many tangents and I dont want to make this too long...
I don't want to place judgment or value on the cleanliness of your trough...this is my final thought...
Take stock...if your trough is clean (as it says in Proverbs 14) you need to understand what that suggests...increase and strength come by way of the ox...Oxen dirty a trough...ARE YOU OK WITH THAT!!!
MUCH LOVE!
Kevin
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July 18, 2008 02:10PM
WOW - I have assembled the best musicians, the best background singers, an incredible comedian, the best sound and light company I know...worked really hard at playing some really killer music...and...nobody showed up!!
I can see a publicist reading this and just cringing...NO NO NO, you must tell this story another way...You're sick!!! There were unforeseen problems...the sound company ran off with all the money, the band is holding me hostage and we can't continue!!! BUT NO - never tell people the truth!!! The tour was called TRUE TOUR 2008 was it not??
Well, I planned it as well as I could, we did what we could and not enough people showed up!! I have lost too much money to continue on this...
WHY - well I know that I am not the kind of person to blame this on God! If you are a regular reader of my blog you will understand that I sometimes struggle between God's voice and the feeling I get from too much lasagna!!
I think I ate too much lasagna...
There were times when I think we could have canceled the tour a couple months ago...signs that this was not going to be what we needed it to be...BUT I HEARD FROM GOD!!! Did I really?? Did God have this planned all along?? Well, I am sure of one thing...I DON'T KNOW!!!
I do know this...I wanted to make this tour the best I have ever been a part of...and I think we accomplished that!! I am so proud of the job everyone did...THE SHOW WAS INCREDIBLE!!!!
If this tour was not the vehicle for that, or if I truly did make mistakes in promoting it etc...thats cool...AS i mentioned before...I would rather go down in flames trying to be the best at my craft, and trying to make an effort to do the best I can with the talent God has given me...than stay safe and wonder what if!!
The TRUE TOUR will continue at some point!! I will regroup and we can make sure that the tour is done right and that it's purpose if fullfilled!!!
I am not done...just regrouping
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